Fat Shank

This past Wednesday night I faced my arch nemesis -- the scale -- and lost. But this wasn't an ordinary scale. Oh no, this was a mechanism that calculated not only weight, but height, body mass and fat mass. It was the ultra deluxe car wash of scales, and all for the low, low price of one dollar.

I eagerly fed the machine my wrinkled Washington and waited for the results. I felt like I was at a slot machine; lemon, lemon, cherry! Oh! So close. Both fingers were crossed as I chanted "No whammy, no whammy, no whammy!" The scale pulsated and rotated; analyzing my awesome body and asking me probing questions like my sex and age. (Those are the same questions I drunkly ask at bars. Was this machine hitting on me?)

Finally, all the waiting -- nearly a whole minute -- paid off, and the numbers started to print out. I weigh 149.2 lbs. Not bad. I'll take it. Apparently, I'm only 6'0.8" tall. Hmmm, this I'm going to contest. I am totally 6'1". My body mass index is exactly 20.0 - thank god! If i was any lower, even 19.99, i would be in the "underweight" category. Once again, I barely squeak by. I'll take it! At 20 I'm sitting pretty at "ideal weight." This is the first time the words "ideal weight" have EVER been used to describe me.

At this point I'm thrilled with the results. Then i read the portion of the receipt marked "Fat Index." GULP! Survey says...23% TWENTY-THREE PERCENT! Which makes my fat mass 34.3 lbs. (Christ on a cross that's a lot of fat. Cats don't even weigh that much.) A fourth of me is NOTHING BUT FAT. Over thirty pounds. So let's see, if pork is 5 dollars a pound, carry the one...Jesus! And again, I'm on the cusp of two different categories. Currently, I'm considered "average," at 23%, but "poor" isn't far away at 24.4 percent.

Finally, the machine informed me that the ideal weight for me is between 150.8 lbs-188.6 lbs. Piece of cake! Mmmmm, cake. "Poor," here I come!