Within A Few Weeks You Can Look Like Me

People are always asking me how I stay so thin. “Jason,” they say, “How can I be as skinny as you? I want to be thin enough to sleep in a dresser drawer.” Well, after much persuasion, I am finally giving up my secret to obtaining a nearly transparent waistline. The secret is exercise. I’ve created a workout schedule that both pushes your body and rewards you for working hard.

Every night after work I run to the liquor store. This isn’t exactly by choice. Seeing as how I get off work at 10 and liquor stores close at 10 – and I can’t control time and space, yet – I have to make a mad seven-block dash just to get some beer.

And there isn’t a second to spare. As soon as I leave my office I set foot to pavement and start hoofing it as quickly as possible. So if you’re ever in my neighborhood around 10 p.m. on a weeknight and see a thin man running down the sidewalk, arms akimbo, in black trousers and Ferragamo shoes, tie and tongue waging, don’t stop and say hello, because I will push you out of my way.

And the reward I mentioned earlier -- you guessed it -- exercised never tasted so good.