Hello. My name is God and I’m an Alcoholic

I’ve been watching the Discovery Channel’s fascinating series “Planet Earth” and have come to the logical conclusion that God does drugs. Whenever I watch this program my neighbors must think I’m having mind-blowing sex because every two minutes I’m shouting, “Oh wow!” And while my mind is being blown, sadly, it’s the only thing.

But some of these creatures could only have been created after a hit of blow or some fine chronic. I’m not saying God is baked 24/7 -- remember, he takes Sundays off -- but he does have a very important job. Sure, he could easily relieve some stress with sex, especially with all those slutty angels just throwing themselves at him, but he’s not a player. That’s more his son’s department.

(Now I’m not one to gossip, but everyone knows Jesus’ turning water into wine recipe is always laced with ruffies, and every angel he nails always wakes up with her halo dangling from her breast, like a ring toss at a carnival.)

I’m not sure what God’s drug of choice is. Of course one would think the immediate choice would be angel dust, but as he's already proven, he’s not that predictable.

I May Be Poor But At Least I’m Not Fat, Or Poor

When life hands me lemons, I eat them all and never gain an ounce. No matter what catastrophes occur, I always say: “Could be worse; I could be fat.” I found myself saying this familiar phrase today after I finally opened my mail, which had been building up over the past week and included my bank statement. I’m not poor, but I need to start paying better attention to my spending. What the hell did I spend $60 on at Pacific Fusion and what the hell is Pacific Fusion? Anyway, I just need to cut back a bit cause my bank account is sinking faster than my brother’s standards at last call.

I’m Hung Up, I’m Hung Up On Jews

Oh Joel Stein, won’t you be my bride. We have so much in common: You’re an intelligent writer who is also a sexy and beautiful man and I’m, a man. I see you all the time on E! rating the top Hollywood hairstyles or counting down the juiciest celebrity casualties. I’ve set my sites on your career and your body. I’ll gladly accept either one you’d like to hand over to me.

Breakups Are Always Hard

When a couple parts ways it’s always difficult to accept. But over time, as people grow and mature, they often evolve into different individuals who no longer want the things they used to desire – such as each other. This must be the case with the homeless couple who used to live on the overpass just outside my building.

These two were perfect for each other. They had so much in common: Heaps of trash, a smattering of teeth which, if you combined both mouths, made one complete set, disease. I watched this romance blossom. They began living at opposite ends of the overpass. She was on the right, nestled under a bush, and he was on the left, cramped underneath a 3-foot-high concrete wall. Within weeks they were seen begging together on the sidewalk. It was practically written in the stars.

I don’t know what caused them to split up. Maybe she became jealous of his other personalities. Or maybe she finally hit it big and found that hidden soda can depository. Maybe he got a fantastic deal on a park bench. Just another set of questions that will haunt mankind forever.

I guess I won’t be holding my breath for these two to get back together. Unless I’m within 10 feet of either of them, cause they stink really, really bad. Yet another thing these lovebirds had in common.

All I want are some chicken fingers

After another long day of work all I wanted when I got home were some delicious Tysons chicken fingers. I’d already eaten some salmon at work, which the magazine bought, but not nearly enough to satisfy my freakish appetite. Cooking the chicken fingers is simple enough: Turn on oven, open bag, stick food in oven, wait 20 minutes. Two minutes after I did this, my smoke detector began wailing. Living in a studio apartment, my smoke detector picks up everything. I can’t even sneeze without setting the damn thing off. I opened a few windows and turned on the exhaust fan, which is not above the stove – oh no – but beside the refrigerator, which is on the adjacent wall – on the adjacent wall!

(This is more than can be said for my bathroom. A 5x5 room with no windows and no fan. It’s like a bank vault in there. Nothing escapes – nothing! Sometimes I need an oxygen tank just to use the bathroom -- especially after any meal from Chipotle. Good lord. They should make toilets with built-in stirrups.)

Anyway, so I took the only chair in my apartment and tried to turn off the super annoying smoke detector. Oh, and this chair is on wheels. Finally, after spinning and twirling and stretching to finally reach the detector, because the chair is just 3 inches too short, (story of my life) I finally disable it and my kitchen timer begins to yell at me cause my chicken fingers are done and have been for minutes. Jesus.

The worst thing is that the chicken fingers were the only food left in my fridge. So when I get home tomorrow at 10 p.m., and all the grocery stores are closed, I’ll scour my fridge only to find baking soda and six different kinds of salad dressing. I wonder if I can find a recipe for a baking soda casserole with a ranch dressing glaze.

Such a flirt

I'd like to think that if i was ever mugged, I could flirt my way out of it. Sure, I fail at this every weekend with bartenders and bouncers, but that's just to save some money. With a mugger, I'd be trying to save all my money. So much more at stake -- literally, tens of dollars. I'd start by complimenting my mugger. "My, that knife really brings out the metal in your teeth," or "your pink eye accents the many blood stains on your shirt. Way to coordinate."

Things I've never tried but I know I arleady hate

I have a long list of things I've never tried but I already know I hate. I've never been to Kuwait but surprise surprise, that would not be my first vacation destination. Even though the idea of falling to sleep every night to the relaxing sounds of small arms fire sounds soothing, I think I'll pass. Here are some other things I'll never try, but always hate.

1. Spam
2. Arson
3. Compassion
4. Asians